Mercy Be

Well, this week is one of the biggest of my life. That seems dramatic, but it is true! I am scared and excited. The only really analogous feeling I know is stage fright, which I get very rarely, and usually when I HAVE put in the work. I think I am a master of minimizing the stakes when I have not put in the work.

Perhaps skiing works as an analogy, too. I have only been skiing a few times in my life. I can't really remember if I'm good at it or not, but I will pretend to evaluate it as though I remember it:

I fall down a good amount at the beginning, enjoy the lift, am scared to fall getting off the lift. From getting off the lift to the bottom of a run, I am literally completely terrified of myself. Constantly. I experience no other feelings than sheer terror. I think I'm going to lose control of my body and break both of my femurs or somehow jab my skis into and gouge out my eyes at 50mph and end up in a pool of my own blood and no one will ever help me. I of course make it down, and sometimes do a kind of successful hockey stop or else fall down at the very end. I sort of reflect on the experience as thrilling and do a few more runs until my legs are tired and it gets too scary to be fun.

I am taking some risks right now that sort of feel like I'm halfway down a ski run. Everything is happening so fast. I am so fast. I am not failing, or dead, or broken in a pool of my own blood on the white snow. I probably look just like the other skiiers. I do not run into anybody. But what I am feeling is absolute paralysis by fear while my body is successfully skiing. So we'll see how this all goes. And I have to trust that this is fun and I will get out of it with either a cool hockey stop or a wobbly fall in front of the snowboarders. Either way is okay.

I must remember.